On Tuesday, February 1st, I had a routine eye appointment. The doc that I was seeing noticed that I was having some major issues with my optic nerve that (obviously) connect to my eyes. He
referred me to a specialist, and apparently it was so important that they got me in in just a few hours. I ride my bike over to the office, thinking I was only going to be there about an hour or less. Man was I wrong!!! The doctor was looking in my eyes, and second by second her chipper resolve was slowly melting away.
(Now, I feel kind of bad, because I didn't really trust her, SHE IS MY SAME AGE! To me there is something said for years of experience!!)
She
proceeds to tell me the same thing the last doc told me, that she would like to get the opinion of her superior. She tells me it will just be a few minutes, she needs to get
a hold of him because this is his day off. I sit in the office for 2 hours waiting for this guy. When he finally gets in, he tells me that conjoined with the nerve problems, and the other problems that I have listed, that 90% of patients that show these symptoms result in
brain tumors in the frontal lobe of their brain. They said that I would need extensive imaging to tell for sure, but it wasn't looking good for me.
Talk about a
freaking slap in the face!!!!! They set me up for an MRI in two days, and a neurologist at the start of next month and send me on my way like they just told me the best news in the world.
It took every part of my being to get myself on my bike and ride the 10 blocks to my house. I wanted so bad to just sit down on the sidewalk and bawl. I have never felt so alone in my life. I wanted nothing more than
Rayce's arms to embrace me and tell me everything was okay, but he was at home with the kids, and in this state of panic, it felt as though I had 100 miles to ride, not just blocks.
I decided right off the bat that we would not tell the kids, or anyone else for that matter. For one, we didn't know if there was anything to be concerned about, and if there was, we didn't want to stress everybody out, especially the kids.
It was a dark few days in this house. My MRI went good, but of course, they don't share results, so that just added to the extreme stress of the whole situation. Luckily,
Rayce's parents (unknowing of the situation) came for Super Bowl weekend. It was such a wonderful distraction. I love
Rayce's parents! They have always treated me as their own. I talk to
Rayce's mom almost every day, and we have a great relationship. We did share our news with them, and it was so nice to have a little support through the weekend.
I kept finding myself having little breakdowns in my alone time. Ya know, I have always thought that death would not be such a scary thing for me. I knew that my children and husband rely on me, but could easily be
replaced. But when something as major as a damn brain tumor looming over me, I have never wanted to be more alive... EVER! Thinking that my newborn was never going to truly know her mother was ripping me apart. To think that I would not ever see my children as teenagers or adults. Not to be able to hold my grandchildren minutes after they were born was like someone had just detonated a bomb in my heart. I had never realized how much I took my little family so lightly. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved them beyond measure, but to not know if I would always see their bright blue eyes shining smiles my way was heartbreaking. I have never cried so much in my whole life as I have this past 7 days!
Today: Is my new birthday! It is the start of my new life! I have a new resolve: I HATE DOCTORS THAT SPECULATE FOR NO DAMN REASON!!! These stupid doctors nearly ripped my whole world away from me. And for what? For
NOTHING!!!!! That's right! There is nothing wrong with my brain! (at least no tumors anyway). The MRI showed a perfectly healthy brain, and the
blood work that they did came out perfect also!
So today I am new. Today I will not mope around thinking of all the things that I wouldn't have been able to do, but now I will be doing. I will be active in my life, not just a person. I am me.
My name is Candi Ray Bird.
I am alive
I am here
I am ME!
The girls reading to Ivy
The best diaper changer, and she begs to do it too! Thanks Icee, it's nice to have someone help with that stinky chore!
Chunky Monkey with (count em') 3 chins!!!!
Ivy LOVES her jump-er-oo!!! She is so spastic in it, but is havin the time of her life doing it!
Since day 1, she has always stared at this bird. Not sure why she loves it, but she does :)
Watching TV while Shylee helped me out with Ivy so I could get some homework done.
Tummy time
Sitting all by herself.
Daddy trying to help mom out, but making her more nervous than anything!
Came in from the kitchen and she had death grip on her swing toys.
Her 1st go at solids
She HATED the food. I have tried multiple times to get her to eat solids and she grips her gums together and won't let me get the spoon in.
(Love the matching bow and shirt... made this bow 5 months before we got the outfit.)
Ivory got her ears pierced on Valentines Day
She loves her puppy
Eating her puppy as she smothers it
LOVE baby feet!
Giving puppy loves