A New Life... Sort of

On Tuesday, February 1st, I had a routine eye appointment. The doc that I was seeing noticed that I was having some major issues with my optic nerve that (obviously) connect to my eyes. He referred me to a specialist, and apparently it was so important that they got me in in just a few hours. I ride my bike over to the office, thinking I was only going to be there about an hour or less. Man was I wrong!!! The doctor was looking in my eyes, and second by second her chipper resolve was slowly melting away.
(Now, I feel kind of bad, because I didn't really trust her, SHE IS MY SAME AGE! To me there is something said for years of experience!!)
She proceeds to tell me the same thing the last doc told me, that she would like to get the opinion of her superior. She tells me it will just be a few minutes, she needs to get a hold of him because this is his day off. I sit in the office for 2 hours waiting for this guy. When he finally gets in, he tells me that conjoined with the nerve problems, and the other problems that I have listed, that 90% of patients that show these symptoms result in brain tumors in the frontal lobe of their brain. They said that I would need extensive imaging to tell for sure, but it wasn't looking good for me.
Talk about a freaking slap in the face!!!!! They set me up for an MRI in two days, and a neurologist at the start of next month and send me on my way like they just told me the best news in the world.
It took every part of my being to get myself on my bike and ride the 10 blocks to my house. I wanted so bad to just sit down on the sidewalk and bawl. I have never felt so alone in my life. I wanted nothing more than Rayce's arms to embrace me and tell me everything was okay, but he was at home with the kids, and in this state of panic, it felt as though I had 100 miles to ride, not just blocks.
I decided right off the bat that we would not tell the kids, or anyone else for that matter. For one, we didn't know if there was anything to be concerned about, and if there was, we didn't want to stress everybody out, especially the kids.
It was a dark few days in this house. My MRI went good, but of course, they don't share results, so that just added to the extreme stress of the whole situation. Luckily, Rayce's parents (unknowing of the situation) came for Super Bowl weekend. It was such a wonderful distraction. I love Rayce's parents! They have always treated me as their own. I talk to Rayce's mom almost every day, and we have a great relationship. We did share our news with them, and it was so nice to have a little support through the weekend.
I kept finding myself having little breakdowns in my alone time. Ya know, I have always thought that death would not be such a scary thing for me. I knew that my children and husband rely on me, but could easily be replaced. But when something as major as a damn brain tumor looming over me, I have never wanted to be more alive... EVER! Thinking that my newborn was never going to truly know her mother was ripping me apart. To think that I would not ever see my children as teenagers or adults. Not to be able to hold my grandchildren minutes after they were born was like someone had just detonated a bomb in my heart. I had never realized how much I took my little family so lightly. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved them beyond measure, but to not know if I would always see their bright blue eyes shining smiles my way was heartbreaking. I have never cried so much in my whole life as I have this past 7 days!
Today: Is my new birthday! It is the start of my new life! I have a new resolve: I HATE DOCTORS THAT SPECULATE FOR NO DAMN REASON!!! These stupid doctors nearly ripped my whole world away from me. And for what? For NOTHING!!!!! That's right! There is nothing wrong with my brain! (at least no tumors anyway). The MRI showed a perfectly healthy brain, and the blood work that they did came out perfect also!
So today I am new. Today I will not mope around thinking of all the things that I wouldn't have been able to do, but now I will be doing. I will be active in my life, not just a person. I am me.

My name is Candi Ray Bird.
I am alive
I am here
I am ME!